I am an alcoholic. I had been sober for five years, 10 months, and 15 days until I wasn’t sober anymore. What happened? An unexpected change in fortune allowed me to go on an archaeological research trip to Georgia — the country, not the state. Why would anyone go to the state of Georgia? I take that back. I bet there are many decent people, beautiful landscapes, and wonderful cultural sites there that get overshadowed by the clowns they elect to Congress (I’m looking right at you Marge whatever her name is.)
Georgia has the world’s oldest winemaking tradition. It goes back at least 8000 years. I knew going there that there would be wine at every meal and I went anyway knowing full well that I would probably drink. Part of it was that I wanted to fit in with everyone else. There is another side. I needed to know if it is possible for me to ever have a drink again. It’s been almost two weeks since that first drink and I don’t know the answer to my question yet.
The urge, the compulsion, to drink almost immediately reappeared with frightening familiarity. Ever watch the tv show Dexter? He used to refer to his serial killing nature as his “dark passenger”. I remember watching that show, sober, and thinking, ‘wow, I know exactly what you mean’. Well, my dark passenger, my alcoholism, was waiting in the shadows to reassert its control over my life.
Have I learned? Am I stronger now? What’s different this time around? Unfortunately, I can’t answer any of these questions yet. I do know that I am struggling with a lot of different issues right now. I am in a Ph.D. program where I feel like a complete outsider most of the time. Some of that is because I always feel like a fraud and part is because I really am a fraud. It’s exhausting keeping this up.
Six years ago, I did the rehab and the meetings and halfway houses. I heard so many stories from people blaming everyone and everything for their drinking beside themselves. I knowingly and willingly took that first taste of wine at dinner in Georgia. No alcoholic demon snuck up on me and tricked me. It’s like an experiment. How am I going to respond now that the original reason for drinking has been removed? Can I go back to my sober life, which was neither happy nor fruitful? But, it was sober. Do I even want to go back?
I want another drink but I don’t need one. Somehow I have to find a way to resolve my internal struggles before alcohol claims me again. As an alcoholic, I know how cunning and deceptive a drink can be. Another trip to the bottom of the well might very well kill me.
I’m writing on Medium today because I need to write more in order to own my demons. Over six months ago I quit Facebook and today, I quit Twitter. There is nothing on those platforms that nourishes the part of me that wants to live. They seem to exist just to divide people into tribes that must be at odds with all other tribes. I don’t need that. I need community and support. I anybody knows a good alternative to the death-dealing social media platforms let me know, I could use something positive in my life.
